A little snail


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Best wishes

I am happy that I can get a casual job and earn some money again. It actually gives me some comfort as now we have a lot of unsettled problems. I should learn to be calm no matter what happens and try my best to address the issues. Luckily, life is still not very hard for me at present and the only thing I want now is the recovery of L. I am very grateful for everything I have been given, and I hope L can be healthy and finally live the life that he is entitled to.


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Hope

Today when I walked past the two trees, I noticed all the leaves were gone. It is officially autumn. I miss having L around, cooking, joking and enjoying the simple life everyday. Although life is not easy for us and now he is going through a rough time, we want to be together and we feel happy living here. I want him to be happy and forget all the bad things that have happened, but I can’t seem to do that myself. There is this kind of sadness buried deeply in my heart which can be triggered once in a while. I know I should be strong and I have tried to always hope for the best, however, I sometimes feel sorry for L and really hope something good will happen to him. He has been working so hard for years, it is not fair that he cannot even have a healthy body. I hope, from the bottom of my heart, he will be healthy and happy.


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Hoping for the “happily ever after”

Today I finally had some time entertaining myself but unfortunately I chose to watch the new episodes of The Vampire Diaries. I knew that this TV series has been less and less interesting and kind of losing its novelty, but I still want to see a happy ending. In the last episode of Season 5, Elena and Damon eventually faced their deep love for each other and got back together, which made me really happy as I always like seeing true love conquer all. However, in the last part of the last episode, Damon sacrificed his life for his friends, and unlike his friends who got the chances to get back to life, he was stuck in the other side which was beginning to fall apart. I couldn’t control my tears although it might seem stupid, because after all 5 seasons, he was finally a good person and was finally happy with the one he loved. It is like the universe never wanted him to be happy for long. Why it has to be made so dramatic? So there will be Season 6…I hope I can see the happy ending that I have been looking forward to before I am too old to watch this kind of TV series.

I should have seen a happy movie instead of this, because I felt the deep sorrow seeing two people in love being teared apart and I cried. I know it is only a made up story, but I begin to think of my own love story, which is somehow like a Korean movie. I never wanted so much drama in my life, yet I am lucky enough to experience a life that only appears in movies, especially Korean movies which are full of dramatic plots and happiness is always not the ending. Deep in my heart, I want to believe there is a happy ending for me and L, and I have been hoping for the “happily ever after” since I came here. However, I can’t avoid the reality for ever, sometimes I have to face the fear buried in my mind that one day we might not be living a peaceful life together because of all the unchangeable issues and the unpredictable fate. I never wanted too much, just a normal life like a lot of people is enough, still I can’t live a simple life without dramatic situations. It is true that everyone has his own issues, and if we can’t change the things that happened to us, we just have to live with them.

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”


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The meaning of life

Last week, I went to the church and listened to the priest talking about the meaning of life. Life is full of uncertainties and everyone has his own unique experiences in this journey called life. During this journey, once in a while we will stop and wonder: what is the meaning of life? Is it making a lot of money or having a successful career? Should it be having a happy family or taking a tour around the world?

I guess at some point everyone is trying to figure out what he wants out of his life and how he can know that he has fulfilled the life meaning. Without knowing that, we are somehow lost, no matter what we get or how far we have gone, because we still feel uncompleted. It is like there is a hole in our hearts that can’t be filled.  Sometimes we have to keep doing something to relieve this aching emptiness in our hearts. However, it is not gonna work for long. After all, we need to settle the problem about what we really want in life and what we are living for.

I am confused sometimes as I am still trying to figure out the meaning of my life. But I believe one day we can all find our beliefs in life and find something that is worth living for.

“Life isn’t like in the movies. Life… is much harder.”


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Be responsible for myself

I applied for some jobs and unfortunately was turned down by by a few employers, just as was expected. I have to start looking for new jobs because I will soon be out of work. Although I feel so tired and really want to take a rest for some time, it is obvious I can’t since if I want to stay in this country I must keep trying. I don’t know if one day I will finally find the happiness I have always wanted, but I have no choice but to move forward. I wish I could settle for even a little while, however, there are still so many problems ahead and I have to make efforts everyday. I admired L as he has been keeping pushing himself for years, and he is indeed a brave and ambitious man. As for me, sometimes I am so tired that I want to get out of all this and just live a normal and simple life, yet there is still a long way to go before I can finally live the life I expected. Anyway, I choose this path myself so I should be responsible for myself no matter how.


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Is getting attached such a bad thing in a relationship?

I had a chat with a store manager a few days ago, and we got to the issue about relationship in the last few minutes. In her opinion, a woman need to be independent totally both financially and emotionally and never should she get attached to or give her heart to a man. I have known her for a while, and consider her as a smart business woman with great social skills, but I never thought she would have such opinions toward love because she has been married for years and it seems like she has a lovely family.

I couldn’t help but wonder, what is the right attitude in a loving relationship?

I admit that I am kind of getting attached to L, but my heart is filled with joy and I feel so happy being with him everyday. It is true that the deeper the love, the more the pain when we have misunderstandings or when some disagreements turn into a fight. And sometimes it is so hurtful that I cry so hard and can feel my heart broken into pieces. Nonetheless, I still don’t think getting detached from each other is a good way to maintain a relationship. I love the feeling of intimacy between us and I believe in true love, thus I think there is an unbreakable link between two people who are in love and consider each other the one, which means your emotions are somehow being connected to your partner.

Although I agree that women should have the ability to live all by themselves and a little distance and space should be given to each other in a relationship, it is not necessary to keep your heart away from the one you love. Perhaps I settled my heart at the first try and have never been hurt deeply, so I am still optimistic about love.