Winter is the best season for hibernation and I have to drag myself out of bad in the morning since it is getting colder and colder. It feels so struggling and I wish I could become an amphibian and the best part is I would not have to work and think about all the complicate matters.
Today I accidently saw something that I probably should not have seen, and it brought up my memory. It has been a long time since L and I had a difficult time in our relationship and nearly broke up, and I know he had his weak moments and I understand that because I put a lot of pressure on him back then, but something has been bothering me now and then. Sometimes, it is like I never really know him and I want to know what was going on in his life during the long time when we were in different countries. I guess I am the one who cannot let go of the past, although I said we should live in the present. The problem is L never told me about that girl who comforted him in that difficult time and I know he won’t tell me even if I ask because he is the kind of person who only tells what he wants to share. I am confused and kind of sad when thinking about this, as in my opinion if it is really not important, then why can’t tell? The past is the past but I have the right to know what I want to know, since we barely stayed together in the past few years and now we are planning to get married.
It seems like I am too obsessive with the long gone past. But, sometimes I feel kind of weird when seeing L talk to his friends here in a way that I never saw before. It is not that I don’t trust him because I do, it is just I missed a lot in his life and it feels a little hurtful to think about many people I don’t know have spent so much time with him together and they had so many colorful activities, and I was not even a part of that. I understand that the most important thing is we love each other, and even after so many ups and downs we still want to be there for each other and grow old together.
Perhaps I am such a perfectionist that I let the unimportant things get in the way and cannot see the bright future ahead. I remember one day L said, “I will always be there for you.” and I am grateful that he will.
“I’m ready to travel, and you’re my ticket.”