A little snail


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Good night and make a wish…

Sometimes I feel so depressed because I can’t speak English fluently, and it really affects my work life here. I have applied for some positions of local companies but unfortunately I was turned down. Even local retail stores tend to hire local people even if it is just a cashier position. It is hard to find a job here, not to mention a job I actually like. It is not my choice and I should be grateful that I can get a casual job.

It is my fault that after all these years I still can’t figure out what I want to do in the future and what my life goals are. Now it is even harder to think about all these problems because I have to earn enough money to support my life here and then I can have choices. I want to stop thinking and just enjoy the life at the moment, as I can hardly see the future life I have expected. However, it seems irresponsible if I don’t make plans for the life ahead and live in the temporary happy castle. Life is not a fairy tale and there is hardly any “happily ever after” for me and L, although I am eager to live a simple, peaceful life and have children. It is just not gonna happen. We still have to struggle and hope one day we can finally settle down.

I know it is my choice and I have to move on no matter what, it is just that once in a while I can’t help but wonder: Will I find happiness that I have always expected in the end?


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Feel the happiness at the moment

I become lazy these days and I know I should not have such short views, but I just want to enjoy the current peaceful life and leave  all the problems behind. L always says I should make plans and try to set my goals and I wish I could figure out what I want for my future. Maybe it is better not to think too much and just feel the happiness at the moment, because life is always full of uncertainties and we should not let them spoil the precious moments.


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Best wishes

I am happy that I can get a casual job and earn some money again. It actually gives me some comfort as now we have a lot of unsettled problems. I should learn to be calm no matter what happens and try my best to address the issues. Luckily, life is still not very hard for me at present and the only thing I want now is the recovery of L. I am very grateful for everything I have been given, and I hope L can be healthy and finally live the life that he is entitled to.


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Hope

Today when I walked past the two trees, I noticed all the leaves were gone. It is officially autumn. I miss having L around, cooking, joking and enjoying the simple life everyday. Although life is not easy for us and now he is going through a rough time, we want to be together and we feel happy living here. I want him to be happy and forget all the bad things that have happened, but I can’t seem to do that myself. There is this kind of sadness buried deeply in my heart which can be triggered once in a while. I know I should be strong and I have tried to always hope for the best, however, I sometimes feel sorry for L and really hope something good will happen to him. He has been working so hard for years, it is not fair that he cannot even have a healthy body. I hope, from the bottom of my heart, he will be healthy and happy.


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Hoping for the “happily ever after”

Today I finally had some time entertaining myself but unfortunately I chose to watch the new episodes of The Vampire Diaries. I knew that this TV series has been less and less interesting and kind of losing its novelty, but I still want to see a happy ending. In the last episode of Season 5, Elena and Damon eventually faced their deep love for each other and got back together, which made me really happy as I always like seeing true love conquer all. However, in the last part of the last episode, Damon sacrificed his life for his friends, and unlike his friends who got the chances to get back to life, he was stuck in the other side which was beginning to fall apart. I couldn’t control my tears although it might seem stupid, because after all 5 seasons, he was finally a good person and was finally happy with the one he loved. It is like the universe never wanted him to be happy for long. Why it has to be made so dramatic? So there will be Season 6…I hope I can see the happy ending that I have been looking forward to before I am too old to watch this kind of TV series.

I should have seen a happy movie instead of this, because I felt the deep sorrow seeing two people in love being teared apart and I cried. I know it is only a made up story, but I begin to think of my own love story, which is somehow like a Korean movie. I never wanted so much drama in my life, yet I am lucky enough to experience a life that only appears in movies, especially Korean movies which are full of dramatic plots and happiness is always not the ending. Deep in my heart, I want to believe there is a happy ending for me and L, and I have been hoping for the “happily ever after” since I came here. However, I can’t avoid the reality for ever, sometimes I have to face the fear buried in my mind that one day we might not be living a peaceful life together because of all the unchangeable issues and the unpredictable fate. I never wanted too much, just a normal life like a lot of people is enough, still I can’t live a simple life without dramatic situations. It is true that everyone has his own issues, and if we can’t change the things that happened to us, we just have to live with them.

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”