A little snail

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Appear again…

I disappeared for a few days and was looking for jobs. Of course this is an excuse for not writing this blog everyday. I am totally ashamed for not continuing my plan. I will try my best not to disappoint my inner self again.


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The meaning of life

Last week, I went to the church and listened to the priest talking about the meaning of life. Life is full of uncertainties and everyone has his own unique experiences in this journey called life. During this journey, once in a while we will stop and wonder: what is the meaning of life? Is it making a lot of money or having a successful career? Should it be having a happy family or taking a tour around the world?

I guess at some point everyone is trying to figure out what he wants out of his life and how he can know that he has fulfilled the life meaning. Without knowing that, we are somehow lost, no matter what we get or how far we have gone, because we still feel uncompleted. It is like there is a hole in our hearts that can’t be filled. ¬†Sometimes we have to keep doing something to relieve this aching emptiness in our hearts. However, it is not gonna work for long. After all, we need to settle the problem about what we really want in life and what we are living for.

I am confused sometimes as I am still trying to figure out the meaning of my life. But I believe one day we can all find our beliefs in life and find something that is worth living for.

“Life isn’t like in the movies. Life… is much harder.”

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Be responsible for myself

I applied for some jobs and unfortunately was turned down by by a few employers, just as was expected. I have to start looking for new jobs because I will soon be out of work. Although I feel so tired and really want to take a rest for some time, it is obvious I can’t since if I want to stay in this country I must keep trying. I don’t know if one day I will finally find the happiness I have always wanted, but I have no choice but to move forward. I wish I could settle for even a little while, however, there are still so many problems ahead and I have to make efforts everyday. I admired L as he has been keeping pushing himself for years, and he is indeed a brave and ambitious man. As for me, sometimes I am so tired that I want to get out of all this and just live a normal and simple life, yet there is still a long way to go before I can finally live the life I expected. Anyway, I choose this path myself so I should be responsible for myself no matter how.

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Is getting attached such a bad thing in a relationship?

I had a chat with a store manager a few days ago, and we got to the issue about relationship in the last few minutes. In her opinion, a woman need to be independent totally both financially and emotionally and never should she get attached to or give her heart to a man. I have known her for a while, and consider her as a smart business woman with great social skills, but I never thought she would have such opinions toward love because she has been married for years and it seems like she has a lovely family.

I couldn’t help but wonder, what is the right attitude in a loving relationship?

I admit that I am kind of getting attached to L, but my heart is filled with joy and I feel so happy being with him everyday. It is true that the deeper the love, the more the pain when we have misunderstandings or when some disagreements turn into a fight. And sometimes it is so hurtful that I cry so hard and can feel my heart broken into pieces. Nonetheless, I still don’t think getting detached from each other is a good way to maintain a relationship. I love the feeling of intimacy between us and I believe in true love, thus I think there is an unbreakable link between two people who are in love and consider each other the one, which means your emotions are somehow being connected to your partner.

Although I agree that women should have the ability to live all by themselves and a little distance and space should be given to each other in a relationship, it is not necessary to keep your heart away from the one you love. Perhaps I settled my heart at the first try and have never been hurt deeply, so I am still optimistic about love.

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When I got off work yesterday, I felt very tired. On the way home I was feeling a little blue because the life I had imagined at this age was not like this. I would be living with my husband in a cozy house and we would have two cute children running around. But now L and I are living in different places both facing some problems and the future is still full of uncertainties. I am almost 30 and still wandering around trying to make money as well as figuring out how to make a living in the future. Of course I am grateful that I am with the one I love but sometimes I feel a little bit frustrated when seeing my friends get married one by one and start up a family. I once thought what I wanted was an extraordinary life, but as time goes by I find myself not that type of person. However, I must be brave and keep moving forward since I don’t want to wake up one day to find L and I are in different worlds.

Today when I was on the bus, I looked out of the window and watched the trees go by, thinking of nothing . I felt peaceful deep down and it was great if I could just sit there without anything to worry about, just bathed in the gentle sunlight. Maybe life could be that simple and maybe I am just confused because I am not sure what I really want in my life.


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Maybe I need to change

I don’t have good social skills and I know I should work on it so I can fit in the environment more easily, but actually I quite enjoy living in my own world and don’t feel like joining in many social activities. Meeting new people and talk with them seem like a tough work for me, although I understand the importance of interacting with different people. People with great social skills know how to approach to different people, thus they will have access to all kinds of information and will probably get more job opportunities. For some people, socializing is a like a natural thing that can be enjoyable, and some others may consider it not interesting but they are willing to become sociable so they can succeed in business. Then, there is me, who are not active in social activities and feel too comfortable to step out of the comfort zone.

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Winter is the best season for hibernation and I have to drag myself out of bad in the morning since it is getting colder and colder. It feels so struggling and I wish I could become an amphibian and the best part is I would not have to work and think about all the complicate matters.

Today I accidently saw something that I probably should not have seen, and it brought up my memory. It has been a long time since L and I had a difficult time in our relationship and nearly broke up, and I know he had his weak moments and I understand that because I put a lot of pressure on him back then, but something has been bothering me now and then. Sometimes, it is like I never really know him and I want to know what was going on in his life during the long time when we were in different countries. I guess I am the one who cannot let go of the past, although I said we should live in the present. The problem is L never told me about that girl who comforted him in that difficult time and I know he won’t tell me even if I ask because he is the kind of person who only tells what he wants to share. I am confused and kind of sad when thinking about this, as in my opinion if it is really not important, then why can’t tell? The past is the past but I have the right to know what I want to know, since we barely stayed together in the past few years and now we are planning to get married.

It seems like I am too obsessive with the long gone past. But, sometimes I feel kind of weird when seeing L talk to his friends here¬†in a way that I never saw before. It is not that I don’t trust him because I do, it is just I missed a lot in his life and it feels a little hurtful to think about many people I don’t know have spent so much time with him together and they had so many colorful activities, and I was not even a part of that. I understand that the most important thing is we love each other, and even after so many ups and downs we still want to be there for each other and grow old together.

Perhaps I am such a perfectionist that I let the unimportant things get in the way and cannot see the bright future ahead. I remember one day L said, “I will always be there for you.” and I am grateful that he will.

“I’m ready to travel, and you’re my ticket.”