Sometimes I feel so depressed because I can’t speak English fluently, and it really affects my work life here. I have applied for some positions of local companies but unfortunately I was turned down. Even local retail stores tend to hire local people even if it is just a cashier position. It is hard to find a job here, not to mention a job I actually like. It is not my choice and I should be grateful that I can get a casual job.
It is my fault that after all these years I still can’t figure out what I want to do in the future and what my life goals are. Now it is even harder to think about all these problems because I have to earn enough money to support my life here and then I can have choices. I want to stop thinking and just enjoy the life at the moment, as I can hardly see the future life I have expected. However, it seems irresponsible if I don’t make plans for the life ahead and live in the temporary happy castle. Life is not a fairy tale and there is hardly any “happily ever after” for me and L, although I am eager to live a simple, peaceful life and have children. It is just not gonna happen. We still have to struggle and hope one day we can finally settle down.
I know it is my choice and I have to move on no matter what, it is just that once in a while I can’t help but wonder: Will I find happiness that I have always expected in the end?