A little snail


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What kind of movie this will turn out to be…

I guess the best love is that two people fall in love after knowing each other for a while, and then they go through a lot together, through which their love grow. After that, they recognize the value of each other, enjoy each other’s company and decide to spend the rest of their life together.

After all these years, I finally find the inner peace I have been searching for but it seems a little late because I can’t fix the problem L is facing now. We have gone through so much yet we can’t afford to be happy for long. The whole love story of us is definitely a movie, although I do hope there is a happy ending in the near future, I really don’t know what kind of movie this will turn out to be.

I don’t know if “Always hope for the best” is the right way, because the higher your expectations are, the greater your depression will be when things turn out not well. However, the problem is if you don’t grab the good moments at present and instead worry about the unforeseen future, you will always feel lost and hardly be happy. I am afraid even if I try my best to live in the present and enjoy the current peaceful life, I still can’t feel secure inside, as I am hardly able to handle all those unstable matters.

Sometimes I couldn’t help but wonder, is it me or am I on the wrong track?

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When I got off work yesterday, I felt very tired. On the way home I was feeling a little blue because the life I had imagined at this age was not like this. I would be living with my husband in a cozy house and we would have two cute children running around. But now L and I are living in different places both facing some problems and the future is still full of uncertainties. I am almost 30 and still wandering around trying to make money as well as figuring out how to make a living in the future. Of course I am grateful that I am with the one I love but sometimes I feel a little bit frustrated when seeing my friends get married one by one and start up a family. I once thought what I wanted was an extraordinary life, but as time goes by I find myself not that type of person. However, I must be brave and keep moving forward since I don’t want to wake up one day to find L and I are in different worlds.

Today when I was on the bus, I looked out of the window and watched the trees go by, thinking of nothing . I felt peaceful deep down and it was great if I could just sit there without anything to worry about, just bathed in the gentle sunlight. Maybe life could be that simple and maybe I am just confused because I am not sure what I really want in my life.

 


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Let go of the past and Live in the present

I have been having trouble sleeping and having annoying dreams since L left, and this leads to feeling sleepy during the day. Luckily, I don’t have too much work and I can take a rest during lunch time. Still, I have to look energetic and always wear a smile on my face, as that is the right working attitude in this position.

Living alone and cooking for one are not much fun especially when I have only come to this new place for a month and know very few people. I wanted to read a book during this time but soon I found it hard to keep reading because it is difficult to read a book in another language, and after a few days I just lost interest. Nevertheless, I decide to push myself out of my comfort zone and continue doing something uncomfortable yet beneficial to myself, for instance, keep writing this blog that probably seems too simple to other people.

Sometimes I wish I could be a few years younger, and I would think more about how to effectively use time and would make different choices. Also, I would try to be smart and not make my relationship so miserable, thus L would not have had so much adversity and we would have been happy for years. But there is no time machine and I must face the reality and do what I can to make the most of what we have. After all, we all have to leave the past in the past and live the present life in the present.

“Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be.”